Cupcakes in Heaven.

Today, it is my mother's birthday. She would have been 50 years old. I guess we can go ahead and say the best die young and she was always fearful of that dreaded age anyway. I can't help but think about the what if's. What if she would have made it three more months? Would we be celebrating her birthday in pain? Holding in tears at the sight of her cancer-eaten body while we try to smile as she blows out the candles? Or, and this is a much lovelier contemplation, what if she would have never gotten sick? I do recall her distant plans of a limo, some good old friends and abundant bouquets of champagne. How I wish I was prepping for that night rather than sitting here with mascara stained cheeks looking for solace in the written word on the internet of all places. How I wish for superpowers so I could have determined the elixir of life and fed it to her rather than her daily doses of morphine to stop the pain. How I wish I was a genius so I could have discovered the cure for the deadly monster of a disease so I could be sitting with her now eating soggy muffins. Alas, my tender age of twenty ceases in it's daydream and recognizes the unfortunate reality of things. No, she is not here. And no, there was nothing you could have done to prevent that.
However, as a freckle of my mother still permeates my being, I insist on finding an inkling of the optimist inside all of this black drudge. As controversial as it might sound to some, tis judgement day after all. Tis her birthday. Tis judgement day. I would say she's about 3 steps ahead at all of us mortals in wonder of our own salvation. There was no question to that you see, she was always meant to be an angel. So maybe that's why god took her sooner. He needed her help up there. It was her profession, after all. A professional organizer. So in that case, I find comfort. If I am judged at the latest hour of the night, I will pray for God's forgiveness, pledge my faith,  and hopefully float on up into the arms of my pain-free mother. I wonder if I can bring flowers...She never really told me which one's were her favorite. But maybe I'll bring daisies, just so she knows I remembered it was her birthday. Oh! No, what she would love infinitely more than daisies would be cupcakes. Yes, I will bring cupcakes to heaven tonight, so help me God.

But if in fact, judgement day passes just like any idle Saturday tends to, I will sit here tomorrow. I will probably upgrade from soggy muffins to a brownish banana. I will make too much coffee for one person's consumption, and I will write. I will write about my pain, my questions, my wishes and my infinite aspiration of finding a balance in this world of Yin and Yang. I will not write cautiously or with hesitation, because it is commonplace to assume these posts will never get read. And for that, there is a little snicker in my soul, a secret kept. A closet blogger, what a trip.